What You Never Let Me Say

The morning before I left for San Diego, I found myself needing some closure from a relationship that ended in quick and unexpected way. While it had ended months prior, there was a lot unsaid, a lot of games being played, a lot of mixed emotions, and a lot of well…bullshit.

As a writer, as an emotional being and as a new person learning about her new life, I wrote some of the most gorgeous words I have ever written. I was so proud of my writing. I was so proud of my heart. I was so proud of the conclusions I was drawing and the peace at which I had found them.

Until I asked him to read my beautiful words and was rejected.

So here they are, I wrote this on June 26 at 5:13 in the morning on my way to the Denver Airport to go on my first solo vacation to my favorite place in the world.

I would trade it all. The month we had together, the dates, the Peter Kelsey nights, the passion, the love – for you to be watching this sunrise with me on my way to San Diego.

The entire sky looks like a rainbow. The horizon is the most gorgeous red anyone could dream up and it transcends into every perfect color you’ve ever known and loved about a rainbow. Everything is waking up. The sky, this day, this week. And I can’t help but to notice in my heart that I am waking up too. As I sit here waiting so very impatiently to land in California – my entire being is filled with magic and happiness watching the earth wake up in front of me.

It is the most gorgeous sight. It is the most gorgeous feeling – but what inspires me the most is my feeling of content to be enjoying this alone. To be smiling to myself staring off into the horizon almost as if my eyes are craving to memorize this beauty. My happiness comes from my soul, it comes from my pure heart.

My happiness never began or ended with you. You were a magic carpet ride I didn’t know could actually be real. But you opened my eyes to this wonder, this beauty. I see things differently now. I carry nothing but joy and hope around with me and bask in the moments I wish you were sitting next to me.

But there are sunrises in Asheville that I will never see. There are sunsets over oceans we will never see together – and that my love is ok. Because just like us this sunset only stuck around long enough for me to marvel in its wonderful beauty and then moved on so that others could also experience this delight.

To know I can miss someone so deeply and still feel this whole, this pure and this satisfied with myself is something I’ll never be able to comprehend. It’s the most incredible feeling my heart has ever felt – longing for your presence but being so very content with my solitude and on my own.

I believe this is what they write movies and books about. Poets who have had our love write about this feeling. For this is what it means to let go but still hope the best for someone. This is what it means to be so very fond of another human that although space and time hurts the deepest parts of my soul some nights – I do it because of my love for myself now.

I won’t be around much longer. No darling, I must fly away. But know you’re what carries me. You taught me passion, you taught me about my own heart, and most importantly you taught me that it’s ok to have love and loss, because when you have a heart like mine you truly will never lose at all.

All my love,

Kelsey Morgan ❤️

“It was sunsets that taught me sometimes beauty only lasts a couple of moments, and it was sunrises that showed me that all it takes is patience to experience it all over again”


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